i can't think of a title for this

i don't feel awkward or weird...i feel bad. guilty. like i destroyed something innocent. something that was never bad. something that was always nothing but good to me.

i was just lying to myself, carelessly assuming it wasn't me and that i was just on the side and but i chose to ignore what was so obvious because i was too full of myself. i had my wonders and doubts but i never really said anything because i thought we were on the same page but looking back i realize that what i thought was contrary to reality and maybe for sure i was disillusioned all along.

i probably hurt you. i'm sorry. i'm worried. sorry for making you feel anything but happy. worried...that we'll become strangers again. i know everything bad that might or is going to or about to happen is my fault. most of all i'm afraid of hurting one of the closest friends i've ever had and damaging a good relationship.

i want to say something...i want to do something. i just don't know what. i wish i was good with these things...it's too soon to say, i know...but i don't want to lose you and how close we were...but it's not about me. i really don't want to, but if need be, i'll let you go if i have to. who knows.

i wish i had all the answers. stupid. but i wish i knew what to say or exactly how to act. i wanted to be the best friend i could be to you but now im sure i ended up being the exact opposite.

a good friend wouldn't have let this happen. you deserve better. the best.

now

i want to cry.

just gonna say that

just gonna say that...

tumblr > blogspot

i really want to say

i really want to say how i feel like crap and im not in the mood.

dear estelle,

i'll be your male counterpart.

thats right, fuck pip.

that was a huge slap in the face
a big "fuck you"

i don't need this shit.

im out.

i wanna know the answers
no more of this.
i wanna shut the door
and open up my mind

how do i feel?

i could tell you how it feels to distract you from the answer.

i could tell you how it feels to see a gap form in between us.
i could tell you how it feels to seem to fade away.
i could tell you how it feels to think and try not to over think.
i could tell you how it feels to fail and over think anyways.
i could tell you how it feels to be suspicious but still naively trusting.
i could tell you how it feels to play stupid when you know things are dwindling away.
i could tell you how it feels to think you know the reason why everything is falling apart.
i could tell you how it feels to be so heinously wrong, and then paying the consequences for being so afraid.
i could tell you how it feels to have days not your own.
i could tell you how it feels to be washed away in thought.
i could tell you how it feels to seem like you never felt.

i could tell you how it feels to fall out of relevance.

too bad i wont tell you, because that would be irrelevant.

but i will say one thing: the worst feeling is thinking that it is probably your fault, but never really knowing. and that in itself, is your fault.
i think?

those days i even said i dont know why im down and instead excused it as being tired, i realize it was the denial of my own feelings and even the miscommunication betweenthe emotional and physical.

This message has been sent using the picture and Video service from Verizon Wireless!

To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.

Note: To play video messages sent to email, Quicktime@ 6.5 or higher is required.

space

some ignore it.
some don't.

some see it's limits.
some don't.

some understand it
some don't.

to infinity and beyond.
yet this feels like a rigid contract.

unfortunately

i do not possess an infinite amount of patience. i do have a limit. i do wish. i do hope. i do hurt. i am human too.

but alas.

one wouldn't think so if had looked upon this tie so,
but think that the other heartless and one innocent
however none so great and both are lesser
and either guilty
none hast proven anything
to touch and connect.
a bond eclipsed by tears and hard nights
loosely threaded by hopes and clinging
memories of the past

oh the irony.
frailty, thy name is woman.
across the spans of the cerebral cortex
compassion of none is found
for those who seek to be lost
and find those who hope to be found.
a seeker?
but none lay among us
for victims they have made us all!
and now we lay in shadows as they creep
up our spines and spawn from the depths of our doubt
and feed from our fear and insecurities.
none more satire be scrutinized but still recognized,
all this troubles the mind and heart and soul, if you will.
for they all affect, the mind, heart and soul, if you will.

our emotions give us our humanity.

it makes us rash, illogical and foolish.
be in touch, but don't let yourself controlled.
guilty.

my heart drops everyday.

blip. blop. bloop.

ambiguity only leads to suspicion.

i don't like it when people are vague...especially when i'm purposely trying to clarify something. to someone, to myself...for anything. it makes me wonder more, ask more questions, become more anxious. theres a time to be vague but being vague never helped clear anybody's name. i understand that there are boundaries and that somethings are clearly not my business. but that's not where i'm sticking my nose, so i want to at least know the truth. i hate it when people lie to me. i honestly can't stand it. even if you think something is a white lie, it can still come around and hurt somebody.
just be clear and honest with me, please. i want the whole truth and not some skirted, around about half truth. i dont understand whats so difficult about telling the truth if theres nothing to hide.
i'm not accusing anyone of anything, but im just frustrated that i can't get the whole truth when i know i deserve it.

i honestly

don't need much to be happy. i'd honestly consider myself low maintenance?
its just...over and over.
i feel like a dog thats been waiting all day just to be thrown a bone. just a bone.